Hurt Me
by Nadja Lee
Summary: After his return from his mingling with Apocalypse Scott finds that darkness can show truths too...


Hurt Me                                                                            By Nadja Lee    29/06/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Disclaimer: "Star Trek" and Kirk belong to Paramount Picturesand I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the X-men comic universe.  A little after Scott's return after his mingling with Apocalypse.

Pairing: Slight Scott/Jean

Summary: Darkness can show truths too…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@hotmail.com 

Rating: R

Series/sequel: No

With thanks to Misty for keeping me writing with her gentle words and kind encouragement.  

Dedicated to L. Burke who inspired this story after some chattering over e-mail ( though I doubt it was this she had in mind *G*)

Part 1:

Knowledge is not always a good thing, I know that now. What do you do when you suddenly hold the answers to questions you never dared to ask? 

My life has been filled with pain from childhood; love was a harsh word or a fist, it was all I knew. How could I know that love could be anything else? You earn love, nothing is ever free. Jean......she is my love, I'll do anything for her.........I'll let her do anything to me; that is my love. Over the years I have seen her flirting with Logan or him with her......and done nothing though it cuts my heart like a knife has been stuck through it. Warren and her did the same......and I did nothing.....again. There was Forge, even if it was brief.....and again I did nothing. I bled, I hurt, I cried.......I endured. There is even the special bond between Xavier and her......no matter how hard I work, what I do, she'll always be his number one. I told myself that it was alright because I loved her, that was why I let her hurt me, because of love. Now I know.......I wanted her to. I needed to hurt to love......I needed to hurt to feel alive. That is the truth Apocalypse gave me, the insight his darkness gave me. 

I remember an old Star Trek movie I once saw where Kirk says; 

" I don't want to lose my pain. I *need* my pain." 

And now I know........I need my pain too. I lost Jean but I found Madelyne.....and she hurt me. Badly. Yet, I let her. Then Jean came back......and the two of them almost drove me mad.....and I let them. I didn't say no, I didn't try to explain, say I needed time. I just let them hurt me......because I loved Jean.......because I needed to feel.....alive. I'm beginning to understand that it is the same reason why I let Logan and Jean flirt though it hurts me; I love Jean and with love there is pain; the stronger the pain, the stronger the love. It is absurd, my mind knows this but my heart does not. A small part of my mind, in a dark corner where I rarely wander......I wish she'll hurt my body as she do my soul and heart. It is a thought so.…..forbidden that I barely dare to think it yet it is true. Jack loved me, I needed to believe that as a child and a part of me still need to believe that. And he showed it through his beatings; the greater the hurt, the greater the love. These are thoughts I wish I did not have. I don't want them, I don't need them. They confuse everything. I need something simple; I need Cyclops. He is simple; he is a hero, a leader, a X-man. He has no love, no hurt and no past. Maybe THAT is true freedom......yet then why do I feel trapped in his shadow?

My father and Alex.........I love them.........and they have both hurt me. Alex with his endless jealousy and dad…….he was away for so long, barely a memory. The worst part wasn't his death; it was his return, that he lived. Death is simple and I don't fear it but life......Life is confusing and illogical. I remember a saying;

" It is life which demands courage.......not death."

I think my history teacher in High School said it was rumored that the late Queen Marie Antoinette had said it before her beheading. Truer words have never been spoken. I gladly saved Nate in the belief I should die; I did not fear it. I wonder now......would I have done the same......had the choice been life....or love.....instead of death......and pain?

I do not wish to even consider these things, I don't want to know how my mind works! Why do I have to know this? I feel......sick, twisted, alone........dirty......all wrong. Everything is so confusing in my mind. I know what I want, what I need.......but I can't......I won't ask for it.......because how do you ask for love by saying;

" Hurt Me?"

The End  


End file.
